New years eve

Ok, I know that the end of the year is supposed to be the beginning of new things and such.  I honestly don't want to move forward, I want to go back 2 months, I want to relive at least a little bit of my angels life with us.  I miss her so damn much, it hurts to miss her, but more so with each passing day.  It hurts to see so many happy people celebrating milestones, doing normal every day things.  It hurts for so many reasons that I can't begin to understand, let alone figure out.  It hurts because my little girl will never have these things, I will never share them with her or watch her see them for the first time.  It hurts because dang it  my world has fallen apart and everyone else's seems to just go along.  I totally understand that my world is a very small one and that everyone else's keeps going but I just feel so lost and lonely at times.  I'm trying so hard to go on and do things that would be "normal" but I can't even make cookies without crying because I can't share this with her either. I envy all the mothers out there that can watch all the little milestones that they are going to be seeing in the next couple of months.  I won't get those and it hurts.  My little angel will always be with me, but I hate the fact that she can't be part of these little things.  I'm hopelessly missing my little Katnip and there is nothing I can do about it.  I can feel the dread and the grief coming in a big huge wave and it scares the crap out of me.  I know there is a big break coming and I am helpless to stop it.  Sometimes I just wish the world would stop, that way I could stop hurting just for a moment.  My family and friends have been extremely supportive and I am thankful for that, but the times when I am alone and its just me and my thoughts and feelings, I fall apart and wonder if it is really that great to be "whole".  I will never be whole again.  I have this huge gaping hole in my heart and soul that will never heal and it's killing me.  Happy New Year Katnip, I love and miss you so very much baby girl.  I will be with you again someday but it can't be soon enough for me at times.