Monday, April 22, 2013

My little Katnip should be 7 months

Yesterday morning I woke up and knew,  I knew it would be a hard day because my little girl should be 7 months old.  She should be sitting up and trying to scoot across the floor.  She should be smiling up at me and making all sorts of sweet little baby sounds.  But she isn't.  She is not where I can see, she is not where I can hear.  I sit and look up at her picture and I cry.  I miss her so very much.  I am starting to truly come out of the fog I have been in.  My friends and my confidantes have helped me to release enough that I can function at times.  But late at night when I miss her the most I just can't bring myself to reach out anymore.  I want so much and yet everything that I want is unattainable.  I can't reach out and feel her little hand in mine anymore.  I can't sit and watch her eat and hold her little fingers to my lips.  I ache.  I hurt.  I look back on what little time I had with my little girl and I ache even more.  It wasn't enough.  nowhere near enough.  I feel so much pain and yet feel nothing at all. I have become so jaded.  I look at others and see their happiness and all I want to do is scream.  I am not happy.  I hate so much now.  I want so badly to hold my Audrey and knowing I can't, I sometimes latch onto others babies.  I have a few little ones that I can hold and not fall apart.  but even then I am screaming inside. My mind and my heart are falling apart before my eyes and I can't do a damn thing to stop it.  I want so badly to just sleep through tomorrow and all the feelings that I have.  I relive losing her every day but this day every month it just seems to hurt so much more, it seems so very fresh.  As it gets farther and farther away from "that day"  everyone in my life seems to pull away even more.  I have a couple of wonderful people who stand by me and hold my hand.  Then there is the community that I have now become a card carrying member.  They are all so very supportive and I love them all the more for it, but I still feel so very alone sometimes.  I talk about my Audrey to anyone who will listen, to all that don't want to listen and to all that get stuck in a room with me..  They all sit and listen but most of the time you can see the glazed look come over their eyes or the pity.  I just want to feel her.  I have not had a single dream of my little girl.  I want so much to see my baby girl.  I want her to tell me she is okay.  I want to know.  I need to know.  My little girl will have been gone 5 months tomorrow and I just need to know that she is okay and I want to tell her that I love her.  That I miss her.  I say it all the time, I tell her all the time but I just need to see her face.  I need to touch her even if it is only in my dreams.