So today marks 9 days, 18 hours and 3 minutes since my baby girl was ripped out of my life and my arms all at the same time. She would have been 2 months, 1 week and 4 days old today. She would be smiling into my face and the cooing would have started. I try to stay strong during the hours that I spend with my children, my husband and family and friends, but it is getting increasingly hard for me to hold it together. I can't bring myself to let go of anything. I get angry when anyone moves Audrey's things. Nothing should change around me, these are the things that go through my head all day long. I am truly angry, angry at everyone around me for expecting me to live through this pain, angry at myself for thinking I am alone when I have my wonderful husband and my children, angry at people who tell me she is in a better place, angry at people who say she is with god, angry at myself for sleeping with my daughter in my arms instead of in a crib, angry that I didn't wake her up earlier in the morning to go shopping because I am so sure she would still be here if I had, angry at myself for feeling this way because I know I couldn't change this. Wanting so much to go back in time and hold her one last time, kiss her sweet little face, smell her beautiful smell, just feel her with me one last time because she should be here now. I shouldn't have to live the rest of my life without her, my sweet innocent little Katnip. I should have the chance to watch her take her first steps, hear her say her first words, see the adoration in her little face when she looks up at me. I should be watching my husband play with her and talk to her, watch my Anton, Kieryn and Kendra touch her face and try so hard to make her smile. I shouldn't be awake at 2:13 am writing this down while I cry, alone and in so much pain. I want so bad to feel her in my arms that sometimes I swear I still feel her there. I hear her cries everywhere I go, I have this weight in my chest that I can't seem to get to leave. I just can't seem to breathe. Sometimes I wonder why I should, she stopped and sometimes I wish I would have too, but I remember the 3 little ones sleeping in the other rooms as I type this and Rick who has been my rock through so many things so far in our lives together. I will live on as I learn to deal with this pain that will never leave me. It is so hard sometimes just to breathe though, let alone live. I shouldn't have to pick out an urn or box to put my little girl into, I shouldn't have to sit and see her swing or her blanket and know that it will never be used by my baby again. I am feeling a pain that I never wanted to feel, would never wish on even the worst of people. At times I sit and think, what did I do wrong? Could I have done something different? Why would the powers that be take such an innocent life? I get answers to that one, they range from " She did what she came here to do." (WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???) "She isn't in pain" (She was a perfectly healthy 2 month old baby girl!!!!! she wasn't in pain in the first place. How dare you!!!!!!) "She is an angel watching over you now" (How in the holy hell am I supposed to be okay with that??? She is supposed to be in my arms, not in "heaven") "she is in a better place" (This one by far pisses me off more than anything else right now, Maybe to you it is that easy, maybe you believe it is a better place, but do you have any proof???? Can you show me what this better place looks like? Can you absolutely without a doubt guarantee that she is???? If you can then show it to me, prove to me she is in a better place and maybe I will believe you. Until that day, don't say those stupid empty words to me or my family.
I want to believe that she is with me, loving me, and knowing that I loved her with my whole heart and soul. I keep hoping for some sort of sign, something, anything that would help. My body, heart and soul are empty. All I feel is pain, loneliness and grief. I honestly don't remember what joy or happiness feels like. This pain has just overwhelmed every single aspect of my life. I can't go to the damn grocery store without breaking out into tears because there is a baby fussing, or to the DMV without wanting to just curl up in a ball. I can't make it through a meal or a simple trip down the street without looking for her. I can't bring myself to pull the base of her car seat out of the car, even though rationally I know that I won't need it, and it would make my life a little easier. I can't stand for anyone to touch or move her things. It literally paralyzes me if something is different. I have cried myself to sleep because she isn't with me. I have avoided sleep because I know she won't be here when I wake up, so my not so rational brain says if I don't sleep I won't hurt half as bad in the morning. I have gone through days where I can't tell you if I ate, and if I did I don't remember what it was I ate because it hurts. Everything hurts, walking around my house for no reason other than I don't want to see or think or feel. There are moments of total numbness, blissful numbness when I don't see or feel anything at all. Then there are moments of such excruciating pain that I just can't stand the feel of my own skin. I see babies and I have moments when I just want to pick them up and cuddle them because if I feel them maybe I won't feel so empty, then moments where the pain of seeing another child literally hurts. I'm talking about gut wrenching soul deep physical pain. I needed to put this into words here because I can't weigh my husband, family and friends with anymore of this. I love my daughters and my sons, my husband and my friends and family but I can't feel anything but this blinding pain. I Love Audrey with all my heart and soul and she is gone from me forever. I will one day be able to see her things or think of the wonderful moments I had with her, but until that day comes I am stuck in this little black corner of my mind.
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