Holidays

The Christmas season is upon us, and I find myself wanting more and more to just curl up and hide from these stupid holidays and all that they entail.  I don't want to be here dealing with these things right now.  I just want to be back where I had my little girl in my arms. I want to be reveling in her first smile again. not mourning the fact that I will never see it again aimed at me.  I want to hear her first words, I want to see her first steps, I want to feel her hugs and kisses.  No parent should ever have to deal with this pain!!!!!!!  No parent should ever have to see their hopes and dreams be crushed in an instant this way.  I am sitting here writing again because I can't seem to let it out any other way without scaring the crap out of myself.  I am so angry and sad all at once.  What the hell is wrong with this world????  Why was my baby girl ripped from my arms?  Why when she was perfectly healthy was she taken and never returned?????  She was so loved by all of us in this family.  She was healthy and beautiful in every sense of the word.  Sometimes I wondered how someone so tiny could have completed our family so thoroughly. How someone so little could hold so much of my heart and yet seem so old and wise.  When she was born she didn't cry, they laid her on my stomach and she looked at me and I swear she was seeing into my soul.  She was so perfect.I have this big huge hole in my heart and soul because she is gone from me forever.  I know she is there somewhere but she should be in my arms, right now we should be getting her ready for her first christmas with the family.  Instead I am curled up on my couch clutching her blanket and crying.  She should have had a chance to live, to experience the joy of seeing gifts for her under a tree, of running through the grass and eating her first cake.  She should be dressed in a pretty holiday dress and going to see her Grandma and family from all over.  Instead I hold my necklace to my lips and whisper that I miss her, and I wish I could have shared so many more things with her.  She should be listening to her first christmas carols with that look of wonder on her face.  I honestly don't think I will ever want to celebrate these stupid holidays again.  I have my other children to think about so I will do what needs to be done but I can tell you all right this very second that I will never again take joy in the holidays again.  She was ripped away from me and my family and I can never rejoice in a holiday that she never got to experience.  A holiday that she should have had, that she would have loved as every child loves.  I can't seem to find the strength to get past the fact that this was taken from her.