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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

It's coming so quickly

We are now only 4 days away from my sweet Audrey's 2nd birthday.  I find myself being short with everyone, crying at the drop of a hat and just wanting to curl up and hide from the world.  I have been in touch with other loss moms and I have been told by so many that the 2nd year is always so much harder than the first, because you are were in shock and now you aren't.  I am here to tell you that they weren't shitting me!!!!  I'm so depressed and so very sad.  I get up and take care of my kids, clean the house, do what needs to be done, but I am hollow inside.  My chest aches constantly, and I can't stop crying.  We should be planning a big bash for my sweet, red haired, blue eyed baby girl.  Watching her chasing after her brother and sisters, playing with her extended family, blood related or not.  I should be hearing her sweet little voice calling mommy at the top of her lungs.  My heart hurts so bad right now, and I don't even know what to say or do.  The kidlets are in bed so mommy can finally fall apart after holding it together all day.  I put my headphones on and listen to the play list that I made for her and just curl up and cry.  I truly just wish I could see her smiling face and hold her in my arms.  They ache with the need to feel her.  I couldn't plan anything for her birthday, I couldn't bring myself to ask anyone for help and I probably won't.  No one wants to be around the depressed friend who cries no matter what they do.  My hubby,  who internalizes all of his pain, can't be here with us for her birthday because he has to work.  I know he is hurting just like I am, and yet I worry more about him than I do about myself.  I threw myself into  planning our vow renewal just so that I don't have to feel or think for a little while.  But when all gets quiet in  the house,  I look up at her photos and just want to disappear.  I miss her so very much....   I have one song, that speaks to me so much and I can't stop listening to it.  It's by Pink, its called Beam me up.  The lyrics fit so well, I am going to share them with you, as I  sing them over and over just to feel  close to her, even  if it's only for a minute....

"Beam Me Up"

There's a whole 'nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There's a waltz playin' frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're lookin' at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

Saw a blackbird soarin' in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you sayin' goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
That's how you tell me I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

So just beam me up please!!!!!

Monday, October 28, 2013

Halloween, the only true holiday I ever got to spend with my angel....

I know it has been a while since I wrote here, so here goes.  I tend to use this blog for my own brand of therapy.  Tonight I was sitting here watching Corpse Bride like I do every year around Halloween, trying my hardest not to think period.  I was actually starting to enjoy the movie as it was ending.  The final scene of the movie is Emily (the corpse bride) coming to understand that she was coming between love and decided to be selfless.  As she walked away from the bride and groom, she started to ascend, for lack of a better term, and she started breaking into all sorts of tiny beautiful butterflies.  At that point I started to cry and couldn't stop.  My sweet baby girl was really heavy on my mind in that single moment and I couldn't hold it in any longer.  Halloween was supposed to be the first of so many other firsts for my Audrey Katniss.  The holiday has always been one of my favorites and now it just makes me want to break down and cry for hours.  That first Halloween we decided it would be better not to take Audrey trick or treating because she wasn't even a month old yet.  I didn't dress her up or enjoy the holiday as I usually do because I was so worried about her getting sick.  I look back now and wish with all my heart that I had dressed her up and made the most of the only true holiday she was to have.  If I had known that we would only have 2 months with my sweet Bidget I would have done so many more things with her, I would have taken more pictures, I would have video taped at least one thing, just so that I could watch it now.  They say hind sight is 20/20, and I can say with all honesty that it is so much more than that.  I regret so much in those 2 months..  I regret not holding her more, I regret every moment that I didn't spend with her.  I am so angry at myself for being so worried about everything all the time that I didn't truly cherish the time I had with her.  I thought I had a lifetime to make memories with her, I never dreamed that I would have to live the rest of my days hating myself, wondering why, wishing and never seeing her again.  I want so much to hold my sweet girl in my arms, I want to kiss her sweet cheek, hear her giggle just one more time.  I would give anything, anything in the world just to see her face and tell her I love her and how sorry I am that I didn't have more time to show her just how much she meant to me.  I hate that I have to hold my necklace as I lay down to sleep and whisper goodnight to a piece of her instead.  I miss her more and more every single day, every moment of the day she is on my mind.  My broken heart weeps for her.  I long to hear her voice saying mommy, I love you.  I ache to feel her wrap her chubby little arms around my neck in a big hug.  This is so very unfair, she should be here with us and I have no answer.  I can't take faith, or hope.  I have no clue what the future holds, and honestly I don't even care.  I just know that I will plod along until I can hold her in my arms again, tell her how sorry I am, that I love her so very much and how very much I have missed her.  My sweet Bidget, you are missed so very much, every breath that I take is for you.  It is one breath closer to you my butterfly angel....  I love you more than anyone will ever know

Monday, September 16, 2013

Audrey's first birthday is days away

So, here I sit with my little Bidget on my mind and in my heart.  My heart is heavy and my arms are empty.  I miss her so very much and wish I could see her.  Her birthday is coming up in a couple of days and I have found that I am crying about everything and anything.  My mind is constantly on her and what she would be like right now.  Would her first word have been mama or dada.  Would she be walking or crawling?  Would she be as smiley as she was at 2 months old?  I want to see her eating her birthday cake, listening to everyone singing her happy birthday.  Watch her opening presents.  Instead I am planning a balloon release, My sister in law is making a birthday cake for my little girl that will never be eaten, and the hole in my heart feels ten times emptier.  I sit here listening to the play list I made for her, and staring at her beautiful face and all I can do is cry silently.  I can't let my children see that mommy is hurting so very bad.  I want so much to just curl up under my blankets and scream, I want to beat the crap out of something.  My baby girl should be looking forward to all of the things that should happen in her life and instead she is looking over her family as they cry and sob in pain because she isn't here with them.  As the day gets closer, I seem to have a more tenuous grip on reality.  I can't seem to hold it together, but I try to talk about her every chance I get.  I try so hard to hold on to what I have in my life.  Don't get me wrong I am forever grateful that I have my husband and my children, but one of them isn't here and that is just so hard for me.  It is so hard for me to get out of bed, and yet I do.  I have to take care of my little ones.  I feel so very down and blue.  I know I should be celebrating but what is there to celebrate.  The day my daughter was supposed to be turning 1???  I know that I will never again celebrate Thanksgiving, no turkey, or anything to do with that stupid commercialized holiday.  NOTHING!!!!  My little girl was taken away and I would do ANYTHING, and I do mean ANYTHING for just a moment to feel her in my arms again, to hear her sweet little voice laugh, to see her smile, just a moment to remember the feel of her little hands. to kiss her face, her hands, her little feet!!!!  My baby girl, Audrey Katniss Hepner is so very missed and deeply loved.  The only reasons I can keep moving are my hubby, my kids and the surety I have that one day I will see her again, That one day I will feel her in my arms, kiss her cheeks and be able to tell her I missed her and love her so very much..  This is so very unfair, she was literally torn from our loving family.  I am so sorry but she belongs here with her family, with the people who she was given to in the first place.  I can not believe that there is something or someone so important that they can just take my daughter away from me.  What could possibly be the reason for taking my beautiful, perfectly healthy 2 month and 2 day old daughter from me????  I am truly angry, and so sad at the same time.  Audrey, you are in my heart, on my mind and I will see you again someday.  Until that day I will talk to you, sing to you and tell you I love you.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

A visit with Patch

Okay, I think I am emotionally stable enough at the moment to share a little about my visit with Patch the bear.  For those of you who do not know who Patch is, he is a very very special bear who visits grieving mommy's and families.  He came to me when I needed him the most.  I have had some really really rough days lately and he showed up in the mail when I felt my most helpless.  He got to visit with my Audrey for a while and help me just enough to make it through.  I guess I am not as emotionally sound as I thought because here I sit crying my eyes out because I had to send him on to another grieving mother.  This is so very sad that there has to be more mothers on this list.  You can see all about patch and why and where he was started right on the blog that started it all.       please visit the page and read some more about how patch came to be!!!!

Patch with my Audrey.  This is the music box that we picked out to carry her with us always.

This was the very first keepsake I received for my little Audrey and still  one of my favorites

I made this for my Audrey but it feels right to send it along with Patch so that he can have something from Audrey.

Monday, April 22, 2013

My little Katnip should be 7 months

Yesterday morning I woke up and knew,  I knew it would be a hard day because my little girl should be 7 months old.  She should be sitting up and trying to scoot across the floor.  She should be smiling up at me and making all sorts of sweet little baby sounds.  But she isn't.  She is not where I can see, she is not where I can hear.  I sit and look up at her picture and I cry.  I miss her so very much.  I am starting to truly come out of the fog I have been in.  My friends and my confidantes have helped me to release enough that I can function at times.  But late at night when I miss her the most I just can't bring myself to reach out anymore.  I want so much and yet everything that I want is unattainable.  I can't reach out and feel her little hand in mine anymore.  I can't sit and watch her eat and hold her little fingers to my lips.  I ache.  I hurt.  I look back on what little time I had with my little girl and I ache even more.  It wasn't enough.  nowhere near enough.  I feel so much pain and yet feel nothing at all. I have become so jaded.  I look at others and see their happiness and all I want to do is scream.  I am not happy.  I hate so much now.  I want so badly to hold my Audrey and knowing I can't, I sometimes latch onto others babies.  I have a few little ones that I can hold and not fall apart.  but even then I am screaming inside. My mind and my heart are falling apart before my eyes and I can't do a damn thing to stop it.  I want so badly to just sleep through tomorrow and all the feelings that I have.  I relive losing her every day but this day every month it just seems to hurt so much more, it seems so very fresh.  As it gets farther and farther away from "that day"  everyone in my life seems to pull away even more.  I have a couple of wonderful people who stand by me and hold my hand.  Then there is the community that I have now become a card carrying member.  They are all so very supportive and I love them all the more for it, but I still feel so very alone sometimes.  I talk about my Audrey to anyone who will listen, to all that don't want to listen and to all that get stuck in a room with me..  They all sit and listen but most of the time you can see the glazed look come over their eyes or the pity.  I just want to feel her.  I have not had a single dream of my little girl.  I want so much to see my baby girl.  I want her to tell me she is okay.  I want to know.  I need to know.  My little girl will have been gone 5 months tomorrow and I just need to know that she is okay and I want to tell her that I love her.  That I miss her.  I say it all the time, I tell her all the time but I just need to see her face.  I need to touch her even if it is only in my dreams.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Today the entire world hurts me

I am sitting here after spending most of my day busy and on and off Facebook, and all i want to do is curl up and cry.  I have read so many stories that are so much like my own and I hurt.   I hurt for those moms and dads, I hurt for the brothers and sisters, I hurt for my Audrey, I hurt for myself and my husband Rick, and I hurt for all of my children.  My little Audrey has put such a huge mark on every single thing I do every day.  I started making bracelets for my family (blood related and not) in her memory and it has become a driving passion for me.  I want every single baby loss mom to have one to remember their little ones.  I have shipped out a bunch so far, and I am happy about the fact that I can help people with their grief even if it is only for a moment.  But every single one of these bracelets breaks my heart a little more.  Every single one of them represents a baby who is not here that should be.  I miss my little girl so much whenever I see a picture of a butterfly, or one of those silly baby angels.  I think about her every second of the day.  She is always right there and sometimes it takes everything in me just to get up and do the things I know have to be done.  My Audrey is someone that I see in every single little baby I meet.  I feel her everywhere I am and everything I do.  I catch myself wishing I could go back and change everything.  I want to wake up and see her sleeping and breathing.  I want to feel her soft little cheeks and hear her sweet little voice as she coos.  I want to be teaching her how to sit on her own.  I want to see her reach her arms out to me.  I want so much and yet none of it is to be and that hurts all over again.  Every little milestone is null and void because she will never experience any of them.  She will never say her first word, (I can guarantee it would have been mom) or learn to give kisses.  I yearn for those things so badly.  I want to feel her little lips on my cheek so damn badly.  my arms ache so bad, my heart aches even worse and all I can do is grin and bare it.  I sit up late at night to grieve my little girl.  I sleep maybe a couple hours a night and I wake up to put that mask back on.  The ever present mask of a mom who is ok.  A mask that the world sees but can't see behind.  The mask shows me as a person moving and doing what she must when behind it all I am is tears and heartache and pain.  My life consists of sitting here staring off into the distance when the lights are out.  My kids go to sleep and I cry, I cry and I cry.  I smell her outfit and I cry, I hold her blankets and I cry.  I see her things and I cry.   I cry so much and yet the tears never lessen, or stop.  They are just below the surface so please be warned that they may come through that mask at any moment.  Lately the mask has been slipping more and more often.  When it does I usually get one of two reactions,  people either wrap me in their arms, which helps beyond measure, or they change the subject, which hurts even more.  I know that the thought of talking about my Audrey has most people bewildered and uncomfortable and I am sorry but my baby is gone and I want, no NEED to talk about her and remember her and cry for her.  She was taken from my arms and no one can ever undo that.  I don't know how often I have had to hide my tears and pretend I am okay and I can't do it anymore.  I want my baby damnit,  I need to talk, I need a hug, I need the love, the caring.  I have reached out before and been rebuffed and I understand that so I have stopped reaching and just curled up inside myself even more.  This is a song that messes me up but I love this song so very much...  I sit and listen to this song and the others on Audrey's Playlist every single day as much as I can.  It is one of the things that gets me through the day.  I love you Audrey Katniss, mommy and daddy miss you so very much every single second of every single minute of every single day.  Please don't forget this.....

Friday, March 8, 2013

Being busy doesn't lessen the pain

ok, here goes,  I have been so busy lately, and I think my brain has finally started to slow down so it is all hitting me soooo hard.  I know that I am doing good and that I am helping other families heal and remember.  Don't get me wrong, I love that I can do this for all of you.  I feel so selfish for feeling this way, but damnit I want my little girl back.  I want to be singing her to sleep instead of sitting awake all night.  I want to wake up to her smiling at me and cooing instead of waking up to dread.  I miss my little Katnip so very much.

I think I need to type these things, Audrey Katniss was my little readheaded princess for 2 short months and it wasn't enough.  We found out we were pregnant and in that one moment I felt my whole world tilt upside down.  We had 3 children in the house all the time plus my son and Kim my stepdaughter, (who by the way is more like one of my own) but we were not expecting another bundle of joy and here she was.  We waited not so patiently at times for her to come and meet her family.  She was a joy from the moment she was born, so vibrant and alive, so loved.  She was so healthy and yes at times fussy, but she was mine, she was my little fussy midget and I love her.  I was graced with her first smile, and in her eyes I saw all the love I feel for her echoed for me.  She was so much of a mama's girl.  We celebrated her first Thanksgiving with us and were so happy to have her.  We went to bed that night thinking our family was whole and perfect, and it was.  Then I woke up the next morning to my world shattering before my eyes.  My beautiful little girl wasn't breathing.  I performed CPR until the police got there and then all I could do was stand there.  They asked me questions that I don't recall answering.  Finally they started to get her into the ambulance and one of the officers asked Rick and I who wanted to go with her to the hospital and I said I wanted to.  In my mind I had to go because no one else could feed her when she finally woke up.  I followed behind that ambulance with my heart in my throat.  They ushered me into the hospital and took me to where her room was.  I wasn't allowed to go in, but I could see them working on her so I just stood there.  My brain hadn't caught up to what was really happening,  I just remember standing there and expecting them to say she was ok.  When they finally came to see me, that wasn't the case at all.  They said Mrs. Hepner we did all we could but she never breathed on her own again.  They asked if I wanted to see her and I walked into that room not sure what to do or say.  The only thing going through my mind at that moment was that my baby was wrapped so tightly in that little blanket and she hates to be swaddled.  I stood by the bed and wanted so badly to pick her up, I wanted to pull that damn tube out of her mouth, I wanted to kiss her and hold her and tell her I love her and tell her she needs to wake up because mommy isn't strong enough to handle the world without her here.  But I did none of those things, My mind was screaming at me, it was stomping it's feet and yelling and crying out but I couldn't even bring myself to say a word.  I just bent over and kissed her beautiful face, her forehead and her sweet little cheeks and whispered over and over , I love you baby girl, I love you so much Katnip, please don't leave me, I need you honey.  But I knew she was not there, I knew she could hear me but I felt her skin getting cold and all I wanted was to cuddle her close.  My baby girl was gone.  We waited 8 weeks for them to finally tell us that the reason she died was undetermined.  She was perfectly healthy.  There was absolutely nothing wrong with her. There was no reason for her to just stop breathing in her sleep.  they have no answers and this makes me so angry.  I stay up most nights just so that I can grieve my beautiful little girl, Audrey Katniss Hepner and then put the mask back on in the morning so that I can make it through the day.  When people ask me how I am doing i just say OK and they leave it alone.  no one asks about how I am feeling or if I need to talk.  There are a few people who have stood beside me, who have wiped my tears and held me while I cried for what seems like hours, and for them I am truly thankful.  So when you ask me why I started this project, This is why.  This soul deep, wretching, and all encompassing pain is why.  I don't want any woman to ever feel this depth of pain.  I don't want any mother to have to tell her children that their little brother or sister isn't coming back.  no mother or Father should have to deal with the "arrangements" My heart has this huge gaping hole that will never ever heal, it will never be whole again.  I miss her with every breath, every single second of every single moment of every single day.  My daughters name is Audrey Katniss, and she lived.  She was mine, for too short a time but she was mine.  Please if you are reading this, Say her name, look at her beautiful smiling face and say her name.  Light a candle, say a prayer or just tell her that you are remembering her.  Let her know that she is loved and that she lived.  I love you Katnip, I miss you with every single beat of my shattered heart.  I will see you again someday, please remember that.