Today the entire world hurts me

I am sitting here after spending most of my day busy and on and off Facebook, and all i want to do is curl up and cry.  I have read so many stories that are so much like my own and I hurt.   I hurt for those moms and dads, I hurt for the brothers and sisters, I hurt for my Audrey, I hurt for myself and my husband Rick, and I hurt for all of my children.  My little Audrey has put such a huge mark on every single thing I do every day.  I started making bracelets for my family (blood related and not) in her memory and it has become a driving passion for me.  I want every single baby loss mom to have one to remember their little ones.  I have shipped out a bunch so far, and I am happy about the fact that I can help people with their grief even if it is only for a moment.  But every single one of these bracelets breaks my heart a little more.  Every single one of them represents a baby who is not here that should be.  I miss my little girl so much whenever I see a picture of a butterfly, or one of those silly baby angels.  I think about her every second of the day.  She is always right there and sometimes it takes everything in me just to get up and do the things I know have to be done.  My Audrey is someone that I see in every single little baby I meet.  I feel her everywhere I am and everything I do.  I catch myself wishing I could go back and change everything.  I want to wake up and see her sleeping and breathing.  I want to feel her soft little cheeks and hear her sweet little voice as she coos.  I want to be teaching her how to sit on her own.  I want to see her reach her arms out to me.  I want so much and yet none of it is to be and that hurts all over again.  Every little milestone is null and void because she will never experience any of them.  She will never say her first word, (I can guarantee it would have been mom) or learn to give kisses.  I yearn for those things so badly.  I want to feel her little lips on my cheek so damn badly.  my arms ache so bad, my heart aches even worse and all I can do is grin and bare it.  I sit up late at night to grieve my little girl.  I sleep maybe a couple hours a night and I wake up to put that mask back on.  The ever present mask of a mom who is ok.  A mask that the world sees but can't see behind.  The mask shows me as a person moving and doing what she must when behind it all I am is tears and heartache and pain.  My life consists of sitting here staring off into the distance when the lights are out.  My kids go to sleep and I cry, I cry and I cry.  I smell her outfit and I cry, I hold her blankets and I cry.  I see her things and I cry.   I cry so much and yet the tears never lessen, or stop.  They are just below the surface so please be warned that they may come through that mask at any moment.  Lately the mask has been slipping more and more often.  When it does I usually get one of two reactions,  people either wrap me in their arms, which helps beyond measure, or they change the subject, which hurts even more.  I know that the thought of talking about my Audrey has most people bewildered and uncomfortable and I am sorry but my baby is gone and I want, no NEED to talk about her and remember her and cry for her.  She was taken from my arms and no one can ever undo that.  I don't know how often I have had to hide my tears and pretend I am okay and I can't do it anymore.  I want my baby damnit,  I need to talk, I need a hug, I need the love, the caring.  I have reached out before and been rebuffed and I understand that so I have stopped reaching and just curled up inside myself even more.  This is a song that messes me up but I love this song so very much...  I sit and listen to this song and the others on Audrey's Playlist every single day as much as I can.  It is one of the things that gets me through the day.  I love you Audrey Katniss, mommy and daddy miss you so very much every single second of every single minute of every single day.  Please don't forget this.....