Today the entire world hurts me

I am sitting here after spending most of my day busy and on and off Facebook, and all i want to do is curl up and cry.  I have read so many stories that are so much like my own and I hurt.   I hurt for those moms and dads, I hurt for the brothers and sisters, I hurt for my Audrey, I hurt for myself and my husband Rick, and I hurt for all of my children.  My little Audrey has put such a huge mark on every single thing I do every day.  I started making bracelets for my family (blood related and not) in her memory and it has become a driving passion for me.  I want every single baby loss mom to have one to remember their little ones.  I have shipped out a bunch so far, and I am happy about the fact that I can help people with their grief even if it is only for a moment.  But every single one of these bracelets breaks my heart a little more.  Every single one of them represents a baby who is not here that should be.  I miss my little girl so much whenever I see a picture of a butterfly, or one of those silly baby angels.  I think about her every second of the day.  She is always right there and sometimes it takes everything in me just to get up and do the things I know have to be done.  My Audrey is someone that I see in every single little baby I meet.  I feel her everywhere I am and everything I do.  I catch myself wishing I could go back and change everything.  I want to wake up and see her sleeping and breathing.  I want to feel her soft little cheeks and hear her sweet little voice as she coos.  I want to be teaching her how to sit on her own.  I want to see her reach her arms out to me.  I want so much and yet none of it is to be and that hurts all over again.  Every little milestone is null and void because she will never experience any of them.  She will never say her first word, (I can guarantee it would have been mom) or learn to give kisses.  I yearn for those things so badly.  I want to feel her little lips on my cheek so damn badly.  my arms ache so bad, my heart aches even worse and all I can do is grin and bare it.  I sit up late at night to grieve my little girl.  I sleep maybe a couple hours a night and I wake up to put that mask back on.  The ever present mask of a mom who is ok.  A mask that the world sees but can't see behind.  The mask shows me as a person moving and doing what she must when behind it all I am is tears and heartache and pain.  My life consists of sitting here staring off into the distance when the lights are out.  My kids go to sleep and I cry, I cry and I cry.  I smell her outfit and I cry, I hold her blankets and I cry.  I see her things and I cry.   I cry so much and yet the tears never lessen, or stop.  They are just below the surface so please be warned that they may come through that mask at any moment.  Lately the mask has been slipping more and more often.  When it does I usually get one of two reactions,  people either wrap me in their arms, which helps beyond measure, or they change the subject, which hurts even more.  I know that the thought of talking about my Audrey has most people bewildered and uncomfortable and I am sorry but my baby is gone and I want, no NEED to talk about her and remember her and cry for her.  She was taken from my arms and no one can ever undo that.  I don't know how often I have had to hide my tears and pretend I am okay and I can't do it anymore.  I want my baby damnit,  I need to talk, I need a hug, I need the love, the caring.  I have reached out before and been rebuffed and I understand that so I have stopped reaching and just curled up inside myself even more.  This is a song that messes me up but I love this song so very much...  I sit and listen to this song and the others on Audrey's Playlist every single day as much as I can.  It is one of the things that gets me through the day.  I love you Audrey Katniss, mommy and daddy miss you so very much every single second of every single minute of every single day.  Please don't forget this.....

Being busy doesn't lessen the pain

ok, here goes,  I have been so busy lately, and I think my brain has finally started to slow down so it is all hitting me soooo hard.  I know that I am doing good and that I am helping other families heal and remember.  Don't get me wrong, I love that I can do this for all of you.  I feel so selfish for feeling this way, but damnit I want my little girl back.  I want to be singing her to sleep instead of sitting awake all night.  I want to wake up to her smiling at me and cooing instead of waking up to dread.  I miss my little Katnip so very much.

I think I need to type these things, Audrey Katniss was my little readheaded princess for 2 short months and it wasn't enough.  We found out we were pregnant and in that one moment I felt my whole world tilt upside down.  We had 3 children in the house all the time plus my son and Kim my stepdaughter, (who by the way is more like one of my own) but we were not expecting another bundle of joy and here she was.  We waited not so patiently at times for her to come and meet her family.  She was a joy from the moment she was born, so vibrant and alive, so loved.  She was so healthy and yes at times fussy, but she was mine, she was my little fussy midget and I love her.  I was graced with her first smile, and in her eyes I saw all the love I feel for her echoed for me.  She was so much of a mama's girl.  We celebrated her first Thanksgiving with us and were so happy to have her.  We went to bed that night thinking our family was whole and perfect, and it was.  Then I woke up the next morning to my world shattering before my eyes.  My beautiful little girl wasn't breathing.  I performed CPR until the police got there and then all I could do was stand there.  They asked me questions that I don't recall answering.  Finally they started to get her into the ambulance and one of the officers asked Rick and I who wanted to go with her to the hospital and I said I wanted to.  In my mind I had to go because no one else could feed her when she finally woke up.  I followed behind that ambulance with my heart in my throat.  They ushered me into the hospital and took me to where her room was.  I wasn't allowed to go in, but I could see them working on her so I just stood there.  My brain hadn't caught up to what was really happening,  I just remember standing there and expecting them to say she was ok.  When they finally came to see me, that wasn't the case at all.  They said Mrs. Hepner we did all we could but she never breathed on her own again.  They asked if I wanted to see her and I walked into that room not sure what to do or say.  The only thing going through my mind at that moment was that my baby was wrapped so tightly in that little blanket and she hates to be swaddled.  I stood by the bed and wanted so badly to pick her up, I wanted to pull that damn tube out of her mouth, I wanted to kiss her and hold her and tell her I love her and tell her she needs to wake up because mommy isn't strong enough to handle the world without her here.  But I did none of those things, My mind was screaming at me, it was stomping it's feet and yelling and crying out but I couldn't even bring myself to say a word.  I just bent over and kissed her beautiful face, her forehead and her sweet little cheeks and whispered over and over , I love you baby girl, I love you so much Katnip, please don't leave me, I need you honey.  But I knew she was not there, I knew she could hear me but I felt her skin getting cold and all I wanted was to cuddle her close.  My baby girl was gone.  We waited 8 weeks for them to finally tell us that the reason she died was undetermined.  She was perfectly healthy.  There was absolutely nothing wrong with her. There was no reason for her to just stop breathing in her sleep.  they have no answers and this makes me so angry.  I stay up most nights just so that I can grieve my beautiful little girl, Audrey Katniss Hepner and then put the mask back on in the morning so that I can make it through the day.  When people ask me how I am doing i just say OK and they leave it alone.  no one asks about how I am feeling or if I need to talk.  There are a few people who have stood beside me, who have wiped my tears and held me while I cried for what seems like hours, and for them I am truly thankful.  So when you ask me why I started this project, This is why.  This soul deep, wretching, and all encompassing pain is why.  I don't want any woman to ever feel this depth of pain.  I don't want any mother to have to tell her children that their little brother or sister isn't coming back.  no mother or Father should have to deal with the "arrangements" My heart has this huge gaping hole that will never ever heal, it will never be whole again.  I miss her with every breath, every single second of every single moment of every single day.  My daughters name is Audrey Katniss, and she lived.  She was mine, for too short a time but she was mine.  Please if you are reading this, Say her name, look at her beautiful smiling face and say her name.  Light a candle, say a prayer or just tell her that you are remembering her.  Let her know that she is loved and that she lived.  I love you Katnip, I miss you with every single beat of my shattered heart.  I will see you again someday, please remember that.

Poetry that I wrote in a tortured moment of despair

My beautiful Angel

In loving memory of Audrey Katniss Hepner.  Taken from my arms November 23, 2012

I sat down today and all I felt was fear.

I couldn't remember her cries or her coos.  

I couldn't remember her smile or her laugh.  

I miss her so deeply, I yearn for my little girl.  

I scream inside, I cry outside. 

My angel baby is here,

Audrey Katniss,

Saying your name out loud,

I remember your smile, 

I remember your love,

I remember your sweet weight,

I miss those things desperately,

I love you my guardian angel,

I grieve for my little Katnip,

But I know,

I will hold you again some day,

I will kiss and hug you,

Tell you all that you missed,

Cuddle you close,

Finally finding peace,

In the arms of my Angel Audrey.

This Mommy

written in a time of great grief

My sweetest little angel baby,

I carried you inside,

Dreaming, Hoping,

Singing, Dancing,

Living, Loving,

Envisioning,

You were my world,

This mommy grieves for you.

I held you,

For two short months,

Seeing you change,

Seeing you grow,

Watching the looks of wonder,

Hearing you soft cries,

Seeing your first smile,

Hearing your first giggle,

This mommy loves you.

Then THAT day happened,

I can never forget that fear,

The dreadful soul deep pain,

I will never forget,

I wanted more than anything,

To go back in time,

To make the world stop spinning,

To forget for a while,

But this mommy misses you.

My little Audrey,

Is now my guardian angel,

That I will never again feel, 

Never see you smile,

Never kiss your face,

Or feel you touch my cheek again,

I see you in my mind,

Feel you in my soul,

But the hole in my heart,

It is never ending,

This mommy aches for you.

It hurts so much,

I see babies and cry,

hear their cries,

and my chest constricts,

I miss you baby girl,

My little Katnip,

I grieve and hurt,

Never to be whole again,

Wishing I could see you,

Kiss your sweet face,

Tell you I love you,

Just one more time.

Please remember my baby girl,

This mommy grieves for you,

This mommy aches for you,

This mommy misses you,

This mommy loves you

Just one more time.

It has been 7 weeks and 4 days since my world fell apart

Here I sit, 7 weeks and 4 days since my little angel Audrey was taken from me.  I have vented when I can, tried to be strong for my little ones and my hubby, and yet here I sit, having had a major blow out.  My little one is no longer with me and all I can do is say "what if" or even worse, "If only"..  Every moment in my life is consumed with the thought that this is another memory that I should be sharing with my Katnip, and none of it seems to matter.  I find myself wondering why my world is even spinning anymore.  Everyone seems to have disappeared.  I sit here wishing I could just talk to someone about her, about me, about my hurt, ANYTHING at all.  But no one seems to remember that I am here at times.  When they do remember it is like I have become that statistic, oh she lost her baby, I feel bad but there isn't anything I can say.. They seem to have forgotten that I need to talk, that I need to deal with this somehow.  I love hearing,  " I am here if you need me, call or text any time day or night."  But the few times I have reached out, I get rebuffed so I have stopped trying to reach out.  I have my blog which as you can see if you are reading this, I post in every once in a great while, but other than that, and the people who have actually reached out to me because they feel my pain, or something similar, I am pretty much just floating on a sea of sadness and tears.  There are moments when I almost feel human, almost feel like I may one day be in less pain.  But 99% of my days are taken up with the fact that I have been isolated and insulated.  People stay away from me and I don't even know what I could have possibly done.  I have tried to throw myself into my projects just to give myself some meaning again.  But more often than not, I just sit and stare off into space while I think of nothing at all. I need the interaction, I need to talk, I need to cry, I need to grieve.  I keep getting the look, you know the one I am talking about...  The "I pity you" look.  But of all the offers to listen and be there, there are only a select few who have actually stepped up, and offered their shoulders without expecting something in return.  I am so angry with the ones who come around and expect something of me, what the hell am I supposed to give, haven't I given and lost enough????   I am seriously hurting over here... Can't anyone see that????  My husband has always been here for me and for that I am forever grateful, but the poor guy is dealing with his own grief and sorrow.  I just don't get it anymore.  I have gotten more compassion from complete strangers like the Sparks Police Department, or Greg at Walton's Funeral Home, than I have from my own family and friends.  Like I said, there are the select few who have actually been there for me, and I love them all the more for it because I know that they have lives and families of their own to take care of, but what the hell... You say you are there for me, and yet, I can't begin to count the times I have been hurt and let down by someone who says they will come by to see me, or that they are only a phone call or text away but when that phone call is made or that text sent they seem to have forgotten me.  I just feel so alone and so so sad.  I miss my baby girl so damn much and yet I can't even express it.  I try so often to find the words and put them down either on paper or on here, but so many times I have just given up because what is the point.  My life is in shambles, my heart in tattered pieces, and my mind is shattered.  I try so hard to go one every day but some days it is just so hard to even get out of bed.  My children are my life, so I get up to take care of them.  I sleep so little now and feel so lethargic all the time.  I sit in my spot, and just stare at the walls, I try to be productive, but it doesn't happen most of the time.  How in the hell am I supposed to get through this??  Does this pain ever go away?  I just miss her so damn much. My arms ache to feel her, My heart yearns for her.  I sit here and see babies going through the stages and all I can do is cry because my little angel will never do those things.  I will never hear her giggle, or see her smile again.  I will never feel her wrap her arms around me, or feel her little hand in mine.  I will never get to kiss her little face, or her tiny perfect toes.  There are no more sherberts on the belly, or squeaks from her.  I just want to feel her, I want to hear her, I want to see her. I will never do any of these things, and it hurts so bad.  I physically hurt, emotionally hurt, my brain literally doesn't work half the time.  I find myself just wandering around the house.  I went to the store with hubby this weekend, and I was in such a fog.  I couldn't bring myself to be happy about anything.  I just kind of followed behind him going through the motions.  More and more that is what I do, go through the motions of life, but I am not even really part of it anymore.

New years eve

Ok, I know that the end of the year is supposed to be the beginning of new things and such.  I honestly don't want to move forward, I want to go back 2 months, I want to relive at least a little bit of my angels life with us.  I miss her so damn much, it hurts to miss her, but more so with each passing day.  It hurts to see so many happy people celebrating milestones, doing normal every day things.  It hurts for so many reasons that I can't begin to understand, let alone figure out.  It hurts because my little girl will never have these things, I will never share them with her or watch her see them for the first time.  It hurts because dang it  my world has fallen apart and everyone else's seems to just go along.  I totally understand that my world is a very small one and that everyone else's keeps going but I just feel so lost and lonely at times.  I'm trying so hard to go on and do things that would be "normal" but I can't even make cookies without crying because I can't share this with her either. I envy all the mothers out there that can watch all the little milestones that they are going to be seeing in the next couple of months.  I won't get those and it hurts.  My little angel will always be with me, but I hate the fact that she can't be part of these little things.  I'm hopelessly missing my little Katnip and there is nothing I can do about it.  I can feel the dread and the grief coming in a big huge wave and it scares the crap out of me.  I know there is a big break coming and I am helpless to stop it.  Sometimes I just wish the world would stop, that way I could stop hurting just for a moment.  My family and friends have been extremely supportive and I am thankful for that, but the times when I am alone and its just me and my thoughts and feelings, I fall apart and wonder if it is really that great to be "whole".  I will never be whole again.  I have this huge gaping hole in my heart and soul that will never heal and it's killing me.  Happy New Year Katnip, I love and miss you so very much baby girl.  I will be with you again someday but it can't be soon enough for me at times.

Holidays

The Christmas season is upon us, and I find myself wanting more and more to just curl up and hide from these stupid holidays and all that they entail.  I don't want to be here dealing with these things right now.  I just want to be back where I had my little girl in my arms. I want to be reveling in her first smile again. not mourning the fact that I will never see it again aimed at me.  I want to hear her first words, I want to see her first steps, I want to feel her hugs and kisses.  No parent should ever have to deal with this pain!!!!!!!  No parent should ever have to see their hopes and dreams be crushed in an instant this way.  I am sitting here writing again because I can't seem to let it out any other way without scaring the crap out of myself.  I am so angry and sad all at once.  What the hell is wrong with this world????  Why was my baby girl ripped from my arms?  Why when she was perfectly healthy was she taken and never returned?????  She was so loved by all of us in this family.  She was healthy and beautiful in every sense of the word.  Sometimes I wondered how someone so tiny could have completed our family so thoroughly. How someone so little could hold so much of my heart and yet seem so old and wise.  When she was born she didn't cry, they laid her on my stomach and she looked at me and I swear she was seeing into my soul.  She was so perfect.I have this big huge hole in my heart and soul because she is gone from me forever.  I know she is there somewhere but she should be in my arms, right now we should be getting her ready for her first christmas with the family.  Instead I am curled up on my couch clutching her blanket and crying.  She should have had a chance to live, to experience the joy of seeing gifts for her under a tree, of running through the grass and eating her first cake.  She should be dressed in a pretty holiday dress and going to see her Grandma and family from all over.  Instead I hold my necklace to my lips and whisper that I miss her, and I wish I could have shared so many more things with her.  She should be listening to her first christmas carols with that look of wonder on her face.  I honestly don't think I will ever want to celebrate these stupid holidays again.  I have my other children to think about so I will do what needs to be done but I can tell you all right this very second that I will never again take joy in the holidays again.  She was ripped away from me and my family and I can never rejoice in a holiday that she never got to experience.  A holiday that she should have had, that she would have loved as every child loves.  I can't seem to find the strength to get past the fact that this was taken from her.

Grief filled ramblings

So today marks 9 days, 18 hours and 3 minutes since my baby girl was ripped out of my life and my arms all at the same time.  She would have been  2 months, 1 week and 4 days old today.  She would be smiling into my face and the cooing would have started.  I try to stay strong during the hours that I spend with my children, my husband and family and friends, but it is getting increasingly hard for me to hold it together.  I can't bring myself to let go of anything.  I get angry when anyone moves Audrey's things. Nothing should change around me, these are the things that go through my head all day long.  I am truly angry, angry at everyone around me for expecting me to live through this pain, angry at myself for thinking I am alone when I have my wonderful husband and my children, angry at people who tell me she is in a better place, angry at people who say she is with god, angry at myself for sleeping with my daughter in my arms instead of in a crib, angry that I didn't wake her up earlier in the morning to go shopping because I am so sure she would still be here if I had, angry at myself  for feeling this way because I know I couldn't change this.  Wanting so much to go back in time and hold her one last time, kiss her sweet little face, smell her beautiful smell, just feel her with me one last time because she should be here now.  I shouldn't have to live the rest of my life without her, my sweet innocent little Katnip.  I should have the chance to watch her take her first steps, hear her say her first words, see the adoration in her little face when she looks up at me. I should be watching my husband play with her and talk to her, watch my Anton, Kieryn and Kendra touch her face and try so hard to make her smile. I shouldn't be awake at 2:13 am writing this down while I cry, alone and in so much pain.  I want so bad to feel her in my arms that sometimes I swear I still feel her there.  I hear her cries everywhere I go, I have this weight in my chest that I can't seem to get to leave.  I just can't seem to breathe.  Sometimes I wonder why I should, she stopped and sometimes I wish I would have too, but I remember the 3 little ones sleeping in the other rooms as I type this and Rick who has been my rock through so many things so far in our lives together.  I will live on as I learn to deal with this pain that will never leave me.  It is so hard sometimes just to breathe though, let alone live.  I shouldn't have to pick out an urn or box to put my little girl into, I shouldn't have to sit and see her swing or her blanket and know that it will never be used by my baby again.  I am feeling a pain that I never wanted to feel, would never wish on even the worst of people.  At times I sit and think, what did I do wrong?  Could I have done something different?  Why would the powers that be take such an innocent life?  I get answers to that one, they range from " She did what she came here to do." (WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???)  "She isn't in pain" (She was a perfectly healthy 2 month old baby girl!!!!! she wasn't in pain in the first place.  How dare you!!!!!!) "She is an angel watching over you now" (How in the holy hell am I supposed to be okay with that???  She is supposed to be in my arms, not in "heaven")  "she is in a better place" (This one by far pisses me off more than anything else right now, Maybe to you it is that easy, maybe you believe it is a better place, but do you have any proof????  Can you show me what this better place looks like?  Can you absolutely without a doubt guarantee that she is????  If you can then show it to me, prove to me she is in a better place and maybe I will believe you.  Until that day, don't say those stupid empty words to me or my family.
I want to believe that she is with me, loving me, and knowing that I loved her with my whole heart and soul.  I keep hoping for some sort of sign, something, anything that would help. My body, heart and soul are empty.  All I feel is pain, loneliness and grief.  I honestly don't remember what joy or happiness feels like.  This pain has just overwhelmed every single aspect of my life.  I can't go to the damn grocery store without breaking out into tears because there is a baby fussing, or to the DMV without wanting to just curl up in a ball. I can't make it through a meal or a simple trip down the street without looking for her.  I can't bring myself to pull the base of her car seat out of the car, even though rationally I know that I won't need it, and it would make my life a little easier.  I can't stand for anyone to touch or move her things. It literally paralyzes me if something is different.  I have cried myself to sleep because she isn't with me.  I have avoided sleep because I know she won't be here when I wake up, so my not so rational brain says if I don't sleep I won't hurt half as bad in the morning.  I have gone through days where I can't tell you if I ate, and if I did I don't remember what it was I ate because it hurts.  Everything hurts, walking around my house for no reason other than I don't want to see or think or feel.  There are moments of total numbness, blissful numbness when I don't see or feel anything at all.  Then there are moments of such excruciating pain that I just can't stand the feel of my own skin.  I see babies and I have moments when I just want to pick them up and cuddle them because if I feel them maybe I won't feel so empty, then moments where the pain of seeing another child literally hurts.  I'm talking about gut wrenching soul deep physical pain.  I needed to put this into words here because I can't weigh my husband, family and friends with anymore of this.  I love my daughters and my sons, my husband and my friends and family but I can't feel anything but this blinding pain.  I Love Audrey with all my heart and soul and she is gone from me forever.  I will one day be able to see her things or think of the wonderful moments I had with her, but until that day comes I am stuck in this little black corner of my mind.